While eating my lunch and perusing the online version of Pathfinder’s Bestiary 4, I randomly noticed that their stats for ‘Great Old One, Cthulhu’ include a brilliant special ability.
It reads: ‘Unspeakable Presence Failing a DC 40 Will save against Cthulhu’s unspeakable presence causes the victim to immediately die of fright.’
It continues: ‘This is a death and fear effect.’
No shit it’s a death and fear effect.
There’s more rulesy blah. Oh, and this is an aura, 300 ft radius.
To translate, anyone not immune to fear has to roll a natural 20 when they get within 300 feet of ol’ tentacle face or they will die. Immediately. Okay, not quite everyone. Cthulhu it-(him?)-self is not actually immune to fear (seriously), but does have a +33 modifier to Will saves. So even it (she?) would in fact immediately die of fright if it (he?) rolled a 6 or less? Ah, actually not. Cthulhu is immune to death effects. Because of course it (she?) is.
This is not Pathfinder Cthulhu’s only special ability. Oh no. This is in addition to being non-euclidian (!) and, y’know, immortal.
Who the hell thought it was a good idea to stat out Cthulhu? You could just write, ‘You. Are. Fucked.’
You could, but it would not be nearly as funny as making that excrutiatingly clear in longhand.